Apparently, men can’t concentrate if women wear skirts in the office. Following the not-at-all-patronizing logic of this factually accurate survey, I’ve compiled a brief guide for men because, hey, those well-fitting shirts and skinny jeans are distracting me from my daily tasks. And that’s ju-OH LOOK A FIT MAN. 

Hotpants, sheer blouses and, somewhat bizarrely, crocs (each to their own) have today been deemed too distracting for poor little men and their apparently woeful  attention spans, but what about what THEY’RE wearing? Yes, your snappy dress sense and slick haircuts are also destroying the focus of us poor little women. 

Thankfully, you can now maximise the productivity of the women around you by eradicating the following from your work-wear wardrobe: 

1.       Glasses.

 We all know women love an intelligent man, and there’s nothing that screams geek chic more than lacking 20:20 vision. Invest in a pair of contacts or, even better, squint; I find it a lot easier to nail admin when sat opposite a squinty man. On the subject of geek chic, it’s best to also avoid buttoned knitwear- someone was recently overheard on a bus saying they “love a man in cardigans” so probably leave that sort of sartorial outrageousness for social occasions. 

2.       Tee shirts 

All only takes the briefest glimpse of some manly forearm by the watercooler to make me totally forget my in-tray, and I don’t even have an in-tray. Basically, you need to cover it up with some long sleeves lads, because a flash of male bicep makes me forget the fact I don’t have in-tray. 

3.       Crocs 

Yes, it’s not just men who literally cannot log into their emails in the same room as a croc (according to the National School Of Footwear* it’s even more distracting if a colleague is one croc, rather than the full pair. Something to do with asymmetry) so leave the holed plastic shoes at home!

Man in green crocs in an office 

4.       Good shirts.

 Ryan Gosling wears good shirts. Therefore if you wear a good shirt, all females within the office will be forced to compulsively google the Gangster Squad star until lunchtime, when they’ll move on to being distracted by your tee shirt/glasses/crocs. 

5.       Manbags

 Being able to competently transport personal items is, believe it or not, top of a woman’s man-based wishlist. Bring your lunch, wallet and laptop in a plastic carrier bag to ensure our Things To Do list doesn’t suddenly involve a bulleted list containing only your name. Decorated with little hearts and manbags.

I think that just about covers it, except if you’ve taken all the above steps and find the productivity level in your office unchanged. In the event of this happening, it’s best to politely ask all workers to wear large sackcloth cloaks and false beards (especially the women) to truly quash any distractions once and for all.