Are you on top of the latest technology? Do you know how to use your iPhone / Android / Blackberry like a pro? Do you tell others constantly about how Snake II is actually not as good as Snake I and that, actually, Snake II can do one?

It’s easy to think that since our generation coincided with the rise of email and the launch of Twitter and Facebook, as an intern you would be able to master all forms of technology thrown at you without actually batting an eyelid. I mean, our generation was the one that mastered all of the emoticon-ed faces on MSN Messenger and invented the abbreviation of the words “be right back” to ‘brb’. OUR generation was the one that revolutionised MySpace with horrific colour schemes, moving images that caused your browser to constantly crash and unexpected music so loud your ears were guaranteed to bleed.

Basically, in a nutshell, we are brilliant.

Unfortunately though, in an office space on your first few days you are guaranteed to be crap with technology. Soz.

Here’s why:

EMAILS

Love Gmail?

Great. Welcome to your office, where there’s a slim chance that you’ll be actually using Gmail, but are more likely to use an Outlook so old you wonder whether it is held together by tape or an email client so bizarre you thought that the person making it in the first place was off their face.

Seriously, nothing will make sense. You want to send an email, but you can’t find the person you’re sending it to. You try to arrange an appointment, and it notifies you that you have booked Meeting Room A from now until the year 2076. Think that you’ll be able to open that attachment? You won’t be able to open that attachment.

Oh by the way, you should know, everything is conducted by email. So soon you’ll use it so many times without actually thinking. Wondering when that meeting is this afternoon? Email them. Want to go to a coffee with someone who is sitting approximately five feet away from you? Email them. Want to go for a giant wee? Etc.

CONFERENCE CALLS

Conference Calls, scientifically speaking, are a device that are placed on a table in a meeting room so other people who are not in the meeting can ‘drop in’ and listen in on your discussion handsfree. So basically, scientifically speaking, it results in you HAVING TO SHOUT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING AT THE TOP OF YOUR VOICE so that they can hear, and them not responding to anything you are saying apart from an occasional “mgfgf” every 20 minutes or so.

You will also find them frankly impossible to set up. Once I did a whole presentation I spent weeks preparing for via a Conference Call, before finding out, after the 13th minute had ticked by, that my entire audience consisted of a dial tone and that woman saying “please hang up and try again.”

PRINTERS

On your first day and you’ve got to print something out? GOOD LUCK.

No, really. Good luck,

“But surely all I will need to do is click on ‘file’ and then ‘print’ and then go to the printer and pick something up?”

Go on. Give it a try. I bet you… I’m telling you…

NOTHING HAPPENS

Not trying to bother or embarrass yourself in front of your colleagues, you do either one of two things:

1. A staring contest with the flap where the printed paper comes out hoping that something happens before midnight.

2. Flattening your ear on the top of the Xerox trying to decipher whether you can hear the whirring noise of progress.

Eventually, you give up. So you buckle up, and ask someone around you. They respond with:

“Oh just head to ‘Properties’ and select ‘Add Printer’ and then type the code 5747 into the top right hand centre bottom column. Then you need to click manual set up, swipe your keycard into the printing device, put in your National Insurance details and away you go…”

You nod like you’re understanding this, you walk away, and you quietly decide to never print something off ever again.