You've been clawing at call centres, McDonalds and the dole for months when you finally get the chance to hang out with some movers/shakers in the industry you're desperate to work in. Maybe you've got an internship and the team are all "hey come for work drinks and if you're fun, we might hire you!" or maybe you've got a job but blown your budget for the month, right before an important networking event. Learn to sail through the most important social occasions with nobody realising you've been living off chewing gum stuck under chairs for two weeks. In other words: be on the case... not a charity case (HAHAHA OH THE WIT):
WHAT TO SAY AT THE IMPORTANT EVENT
Nobody wants to hear about your money issues while out drinking jagerbombs or whatever it is people with real jobs do (I wouldn't know. And jagerbombs are bloody expensive).
Instead, make sure you can contribute to (or, better yet, start) conversations. Read the news and check out reputable reviewing websites so you can pretend to have seen the latest films, gone to the latest exhibition and experienced the latest... opera.
Phrases such as "Nothing matches the impromptu loft jazz show I caught last weekend" and "Opera... [euphoric expression]" and "Leonardo DiCaprio is a good actor" should be memorised.
Don't hold controversial opinions. From experience, avoid talking about Palestine, the Conservative Party and Azealia Banks. Saying you fancy Alan Davies can also get you into a lot of problems.
WHAT TO DRINK AT THE IMPORTANT EVENT
Order a vodka and coke minus the vodka. If you're really stuck, opt for a half pint of tap water- ask the barman to make it look like a real drink with as much fruit as possible- before inventing an amusing cocktail name so, when people ask what it is, you don't freak out and say "wine". Make the name as unappealing as possible to deter anyone from wanting to try it. Glue-gun Shandy, Pig Arse and Straight Vodka have all worked well in the past but in case of emergency, down it in one and yell WAYOOOOOOO (pronounced way-oh). You'll appear fun-lovin'.
NB: Don't say you're on antibiotics, even though this seems like the easy option. Why? People will treat you like a fellow drunk person (aka drunksman). If interning or networking an aforementioned mover and/or shaker, try and make them say "have a job". Or better yet, get them to sign a 'joke' contract of employment in their own blood. If you're at a work do and already have a job, try and up your salary.
At the very least, someone will see you faux-drinking and include you in a round/offer to buy you a real drink. Avoid them for the rest of the night in case they want the favour returned.
In emergency round-based scenarios, offer to buy the next round, shout "WAYOO" and then leave. Frustrating for everyone, but the next day you can say you have no recollection and buy them a Twix. Much cheaper.
HOW TO DISTRACT AT THE IMPORTANT EVENT
Be such good company that nobody notices how tight you're being. And, no, good company doesn't have to been being the life and soul of the party. Gesticulating wildly and telling killer jokes in order to distract your audience works incredibly well, but if you're shy, latch onto one or two people and get into a deep conversation. Nobody will notice your teetotalism because they'll either be a) so fascinated or b) crying laughing at the one about the fat softmint that walks into a bar.
WHAT TO DO IF EVERYONE WANTS TO GET FOOD
Ah. This is the hard one. Many a time have I found myself in some late night restaurant having not been told prior to the occasion that this was going to happen, and many a time have I panicked and bought dinner then cried to the heavens and ate nothing but boiled rice for three days.
You have a few options:
OPTION ONE: Say you've already eaten. A perfectly fine excuse, except watching people eat is awkward and people may speculate you're "one of those" girls who doesn't eat.
OPTION TWO: Say you have to take a call, make a face as if it's important, make it clear you don't want anyone to order for you in case aforementioned call takes ages and leave the restaurant for a long time. Return when the food has arrived and be all "OHHHH NO WORRIES I ATE A CRUNCHIE"
OPTION THREE Shout "WAYOO".
God speed, my friends.
1. HAVE OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT ASIDE FROM YOUR EXPLOITS AS A PAUPER- TALKING ABOUT, SAY, THE THEATRE IMPLIES YOU HAVE MONEY TO GO TO THE THEATRE.
2. ORDER NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINKS AND PASS THEM OFF AS DRINKS - YOU MAY GET BOUGHT A REAL DRINK.
3. DISTRACT YOUR AUDIENCE BY BEING INCREDIBLY GOOD COMPANY.
4. IF YOU HAVE TO ORDER FOOD, TAKE A PHONE CALL OR SAY YOU'VE EATEN.
5. MOST THINGS CAN BE PASSED OFF BY CONFIDENCE/YELLING WAYOO.