SNOW DAY. Reports of potential traffic ‘chaos’ interspersed with reports of kids on sledges saying that none of the chaos ever mattered in the first place. Breaking news from correspondents on the side of the road, talking about how epic the snowfall is with a damp head because they forgot to put their hood up. Stories from huge gritting plants that you never knew existed, where a correspondent stands on top of the pile of grit to emphasise how much grit there is.
The latest from Heathrow airport, which consists of a man standing outside an epic fence next to the runway (instead of the terminal) to emphasise to the viewer that he or she is actually reporting from an airport, a place where planes take off from the ground and fly into the sky before landing at another place where they park up and people get off and have a holiday - except for when it snows, when the whole process falls into disarray.
You know what a snow day means. A WORKING FROM HOME DAY: the dream, the aspiration, boasting to others that you are officially having a duvet day and that you are possibly going to be baking, watching BBC iPlayer, having a snow fight and treating yourself to central heating for more than 45 minutes. This is the life.
I’m sorry to break it to you dear reader, but it isn’t the life. It really, really, really isn’t. Working from home is actually crap. A total pain in the arse. Here’s why:
You will work doubly hard
As a young employee, you feel that you have to prove yourself to others in the office. This might be because you love your job, or because you work with lots of others who are on a similar level to you thus need to get ahead, or because you earn roughly four pence a day and FFS give me a raise.
The problem is… you’re at home. It is impossible to prove yourself. Even if you sent off a billion emails, finish a corporate presentation or do what you normally do during work hours (passionately stalk a colleague’s Facebook profile because you find them totally fit) nobody can see you working hard so nobody can see that you’re a good employee. People also assume that you aren’t actually busy, so are thrilled to ping you more work at a moment’s notice, with a note that more or less says “oh yeah, you’re working from home today, you're definitely not that busy so could you just...?”
Of course, you might hate your job, so you don’t actually care or do any work. In which case, I have nothing to offer. You total stud.
You will decide to work whilst watching the exciting world of daytime TV
This is when you come to the realisation that all daytime TV is total shit. You look back on your youth and remember when CBBC was on during the daytime on BBC Two during the summer, when all the presenters would have water-fights in the Blue Peter Garden or muck around with Otis the Aardvark. You look at the TV listings now - most commercial TV has been replaced with adverts for payday loans (advertised by individuals who seem to show no remorse that they are advertising payday loans), and BBC programming is now simply four hundred episodes of Flog It and innumerable bad cardigans on Cash in the Attic.
But what about the wonderful world of Digital TV? Well there’s the Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network (woman cooks for her husband whilst telling the viewer constantly that he is amazing), an episode of Top Gear (that you saw in 2007), Everyone Doesn’t Find Raymond That Funny and BBC Parliament, with a schedule so mindnumbingly dull that it is actually entertaining.
Here are some highlights from the last week on BBC Parliament. I’m not making these up, it really is this bad:
Ten Minute Rule Bill – Supermarket Pricing Information (the introduction of a Private Member's Bill on supermarket pricing, from Tuesday 15th January)
Select Committees – Consumer Credit Regulation (coverage of the Public Accounts Committee on consumer credit regulation, from Wednesday 16th January)
Transport Questions (recorded coverage of questions in the House of Commons to the Transport ministerial team).
It’s amazing isn’t it? You could be at work right now in a meeting or you could be snowed in at home, bored out of your mind, watching other people having meetings.
You will, finally, leave your house in the attempt to get some work done
And you will realise that working in a café is actually the worst thing in the world ever. Hate working at home with nothing on the telly? Why not go to your local Starbucks (or another corporate chain that may or may not pay a suitable level of tax)? Right? WRONG.
Firstly, there will be the “where is a plug where is a plug where is a plug where is a plug” moment of panic on arrival, which will lead to you sneakily plugging your laptop in behind a plant pot or below a sign that shouts “DO NOT PLUG ANY LAPTOPS INTO THIS PLUG”, or you'll annoy other drinkers by barging past them. You then feel the guilt, the irreparable guilt, of sitting in the corner of the café for as long as possible whilst paying for as little as you can, because you’re skint.
That’s if you manage to stay there for that long.
“Unable to join the wifi network BT Openzone.”
Snow days=Working from home=RUBBISH. Need I say more?